Narcissism and Narcissistic Abuse in Relationships (Part XVI)

Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional abuse projected by a narcissist on to another individual. Although narcissistic abuse is primarily focused on emotional and psychological abuse, there are other types of narcissistic abuse that can be classified in this category. These include abuses such as financial, spiritual, sexual, and physical.

Types of relationships

Narcissistic abuse can occur in any kind of relationship. It occurs within families and workplaces and in all age groups.

Romantic

Narcissistic abuse may also occur in adult-to-adult relationships, where the narcissistic person tends to seek out an empathetic partner in order to gain admiration of their own attributes and feelings of power and control – narcissistic supply. The narcissist creates a dynamic abuser and victim relationship through a cycle of abuse, resulting in traumatic bonding that makes it hard for their partner to leave the increasingly abusive relationship.

People with codependent-type traits may seek relationships with narcissists.

The narcissists' relationships are characterized by a period of intense involvement and idealization of their partner, followed by devaluation, and a rapid discarding of the partner.  Alternatively, that scenario can loop, with ghosting (ceasing communication with the former partner) and hoovering (luring the former partner back) instead of discarding. At the beginning of a relationship (or its new cycle) with a narcissist, the partner is only shown the ideal self of the narcissist, which includes pseudo-empathy, kindness, and charm. Once the partner has committed to the relationship (e.g., through marriage or a business partnership), the true self of the narcissist will begin to emerge. The initial narcissistic abuse begins with belittling comments and grows to contempt, ignoring behavior (i.e. silent treatment, which is a passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse), adultery, triangulation (forming any relationship triangles), sabotage, and, at times, physical abuse.

At the core of a narcissist is a combination of entitlement and low self-esteem. These feelings of inadequacy are projected onto the victim. If the narcissistic person is feeling unattractive they will belittle their romantic partner's appearance. If the narcissist makes an error, this error becomes the partner's fault. Narcissists also engage in insidious, manipulative abuse by giving subtle hints and comments that result in the victim questioning their own behavior and thoughts. This is termed gaslighting.  Another common abusive tactic is underhanded public humiliation, when the narcissist says something seemingly neutral but offensive to the victim and enjoys the emotional reaction. This is called dog-whistling. Any slight criticism of the narcissist, whether actual or perceived, often triggers narcissistic rage and full-blown annihilation from the narcissistic person. This can take the form of screaming tirades, silent treatment or quiet sabotage (setting traps, refusing communication, hiding belongings, spreading rumors, making complaints to authority figures such as police, etc.).

Cliffhanging is a tactic to stay in control and to leave victims hanging; examples are making them unreachable by not responding to phone calls or respond to messages, or by giving a “strings-attached gift” only to suddenly demand that the victim must return it to them. If the victim refuses to comply, the narcissist claims the victim is causing an issue.

Stonewalling is a tactic used by narcissists to stay in control and hurt victims by refusing to get into, or abruptly end conversations. The abuser knows that emotional isolation hurts the victim, thus will aggressively and intentionally stonewall to gain leverage, inflict pain, and also avoid “awkward” topics. When a narcissist stonewalls, they suddenly become vague, refuse to speak, shout you down, or divert the conversation into a circular argument. They will sometimes even make a point of physically getting away from you by leaving the room, or perhaps by going out for a drive.

The discard phase can be swift and occurs once the narcissistic supply is obtained elsewhere. In romantic relationships, the narcissistic supply can be acquired by having affairs. The new partner is in the idealization phase and only witnesses the ideal self; thus once again the cycle of narcissistic abuse begins. Narcissists do not take responsibility for relationship difficulties and exhibit no feelings of remorse. Instead they believe themselves to be the victim in the relationship as of their self-debasing projections; their partner can only ever fail to meet their expectations.

The International Journal of Research in psychology published a qualitative study based on the points of view of those who believed their romantic partners to be narcissistic abusers. The synopsis of the results is best quoted directly from the research study: "The core category/issue that emerged from the data was problems in self-esteem of the abuser. According to the data, the exercise of power, maladjustment, immorality, lack of sense of reality, and need for manipulation appeared as manifestations of serious problems in self-esteem (Määttä, 2009). Self-esteem is a salient part of personality affecting the functioning of one's ego. Self-esteem includes the feelings of self-respect, self-appreciation, self-acceptance, and self-proficiency. Furthermore, the desire for self-esteem stems from a fundamental need for psychological security, which is engendered by people's awareness of their own vulnerability and mortality (Greenberg, 2008)" The stories of the victims of narcissistic abusers seem to demonstrate issues in all these areas which then reflects in narcissists' behavior. Self-esteem is considered to be a core reason for their behaviors.